Rachael Ray's ass

Dear Dale,

Dude, what's up with Racheal Ray's expanding ass? I totally wanted to hose her before and perhaps put that loud Italian mouth of hers to good use, but am now too distracted by her growing ghetto booty.

-Penelope Cosgrove

Penelope,

This is something you and I agree on. It's one of the most serious problems facing the food network today.

Firstly, Rachael Ray is a good person. Anyone so preoccupied with cooking a meal in thirty minutes has got other things in mind that have got to be made time for. Her duties as a loving and attentive wife come first, and if that means dog food three days in a row, you aren't going to hear complaining out of her husband, so long as she's too busy hooking him up with things most people only read about in penthouse forum. I think she does this, which means her heart is in the right place, and that's what matters. Her ass being in the right place also matters, just less.

A woman is a tender and beautiful thing that has sex with you, gestates babies, and if you're lucky, makes you dinner every once in a while. A woman hangs out with you even when you're being a jerk, makes you wear clothes that match, and keeps you on top of celebrity gossip. As far as I can tell, these are the primary functions of a woman. But sometimes people want a woman to be more than this.

For some reason, people and other primates love looking at womens' asses! It's just the way we're wired. This crazy world has to keep having people in it, and the best way to make sure they're here is to have lots of sex.

Some people claim (that since god is responsible for everything) god is responsible for that urge, and others claim vehemently that he most certainly is not, and that he would prefer that instead of brooding on how much we want to procreate, we turned to page 55 in our hymnals to glorify him with a song that sounds just like all the other songs in the hymnal, but that has more to do with their individual tastes than anything else. (I personally think god should impregnate (inseminate? gross.) all the women like he did Mary so that child support law would have to be completely rewritten by the christians that want to rewrite all the other laws, because I'd like to see them make sense of that.) Your tastes once included wanting to smack up Rachael Ray's ass, and so did mine, but now that it looks like it could smack you up, your hesistation isn't unjustified. Be afraid of the big ass. It's millions of years of evolution warning you to stay away, and you're right to heed the call. Something wicked and impure is going on, and it's right on top of her legs. I don't understand it, Penelope, and it scares me.

The whole show used to be about watching her in the kitchen and now the camera avoids the booty. It's sad. I want that camera to follow her around like a seeing-eye dog at butt level, like it used to. I want to pretend to be learning how to cook, while I'm really watching her scoot around the kitchen in a skin-tight black leotard, but now I can't, and that's messed up.

We clearly have to take action. We should complain, both to Ray and to the food network, and get a petition going so I don't have to learn anything when I watch that show. Peppers and an onion in the olive oil, whatever. Didn't you forget something right back there in the oven? Maybe you should go over there and check. Nice and easy... yeahhhhh.

I remember those days, and I want them back. Good call.

Love,
Dale