Dear Time Warner

Dear Time Warner,

I was singing happy birthday to someone at a party the other night and then later someone gave me a dollar. I wasn’t sure why they gave me a dollar but then it hit me that they might have been paying me for how well I sang the birthday song!

I know your company owns the rights to the happy birthday song so I was wondering, how much of that dollar do I have to send you? I know there’s probably a penalty for not having worked out the details with you in the first place, so it might be the majority of the dollar, but I am a person who believes in intellectual property rights, and I want to do the right thing. Also, I wouldn’t like explaining to my prison cellmates that no, I wasn’t there for smacking my bitch or shooting the cops, or even manufacturing crystal meth, but for not forking over the royalties to AOL Time Warner for being paid to sing the birthday song. They’d probably take me into a cell right away and rape my ass so hard I’d wish I’d never even heard of birthdays. And as I was leaning over the bunk giving forced head to a big stinky guy who hadn't taken a shower since he fucked some guy in the ass earlier that afternoon, while at the same time getting my bleeding ass filled with HIV and Hepatitis C-infested man-milk, I'd be thinking, "Now that I think about it, paying AOL Time Warner would have been a better option. Why didn't I just wing them an email when I had the chance?" I'd also be thinking "What is that substance running down the back of my leg? I bet it's blood", but that's beside the point.

Please let me know how much I owe you. I have a paypal account.

Thanks,
Dale