Dear Jonny Lang

You're obviously aware by now you succeeded in music because you simultaneously sounded less gay than the rest of the "musicians" in your age group, and yet you could have appeared on the cover of Lisa Simpson's "non-threatening boys magazine". You weren't a scary black guy but you sounded kind of like one. You were poised to make a buck and go the way of your cultural predecessor, harmless paleface Rick Astley. I waited for this to happen and thought it did.

But you couldn't just go away. You had to show up on the local news to pitifully relate your descent into the world of people who would sell you drugs. Boo hoo. Not that it's your fault for the slowness of the news day, but just like a million other celebrities that couldn't handle their vicodin, your lack of self-restraint doesn't merit airtime. My trigger finger itched on the channel button; an epic struggle of mediocre proportions raged within me. Then you dropped the bomb.

You got out of your downward spiral and took control of your life again, all thanks to the lord. When I heard that, my eyes rolled so far back in my head I'm lucky didn't make a round trip.

It's ironic that the mild form of suffering you ever got to know anything about actually came as a result of being the overprivileged little pussy faggot you are. Are people supposed to respect you? You made your money exploiting an art form created by people with whom you share no life experience at all; they were real people with real uphill battles to fight in life.

The only reality you know is one in which kind people handle you and your gift of sounding like you have a coal train stuck in your throat with kid gloves, and it's rude to continue to abuse their kindness in this way. Soapboxing about god is the most predictable thing you could possibly be doing, and since god is made up in the first place, it's a grotesquely nugatory, fatuous position to take. And even though I have no reason to care, it embarrasses me to watch anyone being such a tool.

Get a fucking life,
Dale Shipley

Dear Trane air conditioning and heating

Your ad, "It's hard to stop a trane", gives my family hours of pleasure, as we dissect the manifold associations it presumably intends.

Each night as we gather round the dinner table, it's common to hear little Tamara with the lisp shrieking with glee: "It's altho hard to thtop a T-R-A-I-N! Get it?! HAHAHAHA!!"

Then we all laugh and look out our window at the collage of your ads we've cut out of various magazines and circulars, to look upon lovingly, as we hold each other close and cherish one another, and your brilliant phrase, year after hilarious year. You know what ELSE is hard to stop? The funnyness of your ads!!!!

Thank you SO MUCH.

Joseph Eilefson

Atheists like myself tend to write screeds, largely in response to living in a world full of people who regulate everybody's lives according to their more or less arbitrary interpretation of ancient dogma. These screeds tend to bore, but we do it anyway, because how else can we cope.

But as I have seen today, we're not the only ones who get in front of the keyboard and freak out.

This came to me as it came to my friend Katie, who got it as a mass email from someone she goes to school with. Peer, if you dare, into the heart of darkness that is this evolution-hatin' father of two lucky girls, who I'm sure can expect one hell of an upbringing!

I now yield the balance of my time to the crazed Joseph Eilefson, who like Jesco White or Average Homeboy, lampoons himself better than anyone else ever could. No, Joseph, thank you.

This letter was written in response to those professors who promote godless evolution. I am sick of hearing about our conversion to bi-pedalism or that we should graze throughout the day because that is what the great gorillas do. I consider it a direct attack on Jesus Christ and I will not be silent. These professors are destroying the faith of our kids. I also wrote this for my two daughters Amanda and Cassandra whom I love with all my heart. I also wrote this for Jonelle.


I have a big question. Did death bring man into the world or did man bring death into the world?

Answer: Evolution is a religion of death for which there is no scientific evidence. But evolution isn't about science its about lust.

2 Peter 2.3-6

Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts,

And saying, where is the promise of his coming? for since the fathers fell asleep, all things continue as they were from the beginning of the creation.

For this they willingly are ignorant of, that by the word of God the heavens were of old, and the earth standing out of the water and in the water:

Whereby the world that then was being overflowed with water perished.

The scoffers are willingly ignorant of two facts. That six thousand years ago, in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that in them is. Forty-four hundred years ago He flooded the place.

The scoffers are right on time.

Charlie Lyell said his goal was to, "free the science from Moses." In 1830 he said each layer of the earth is a different age. He gave each layer of rock a name and an index fossil and called it the "geologic column." The lawyer from Scotland made the whole thing up out of the clear blue sky. It doesn't make any sense. Wouldn't the whole earth be the same age? Where do you get the dirt for each new layer? Were new layers of dirt added from outer space every few million years burying everything? (IT’S CALLED EROSION, FUCKER!!)No, the layering of the earth is from the flood. Go home, get a jar of dirt, put some water in it, shake it up and it will settle into layers for you in a matter of seconds, its called hydrologic sorting. The flood is the only way to explain the layering of the earth's surface. God did it that way so we may be without excuse.

Romans 2.20

For the invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead; so that they are without excuse.

Charles Darwin made a stop in the Galapacos Islands where he noticed some birds had different beaks. From this he deduced that we all came from a rock. He was quoted as saying later in life, "that sometimes a sick feeling comes over me when I think that I may have devoted my life to a fantasy." You sure did Charlie. Evolution is a fairy tale for grown ups who want to satisfy the flesh.

2 Timothy 4.3,4

For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears;

And they shall turn away their ears from the truth, and shall be turned unto fables.

Evolution is much more than an ape turning into a man. That's just the tip of the iceberg.

1) If your going to have a creation your going to first need some time, space and matter. The evolutionists don't even have a theory for this. The Bible does.

Genesis 1.1

In the beginning (time) God created the heaven (space) and the earth (matter).

2) Then you have to account for chemical evolution. All the elements of the periodic table would have to evolve. The evolutionists theorize that this happened in the big bang through fusion. The problem is you can't fuse past iron, so where do we get the rest of the elements?

3) Now you need stellar evolution. The evolution of the stars and planets. No one has ever seen a star form. The silent emabarrassment in astrophysics is they don't even know how a single star could form. Stars break every gas law known to man. Yet there are enough stars out there right now, that we know about, that every person on the planet could each own 11 trillion of them. The Bible says God made the stars and gave a name to each one of them.

4) Now you need organic evolution. The evolution of living material. No one has a clue how a living organism can get started from none living material. Genetic research has revealed that the tinyest bacteria is infinitely more complex than the space shuttle. The DNA strand in a bacteria could stretch back and forth to the moon several times. The code must be in precise order. You want me to believe that something that complex just popped into existence?

5) Now our little bacteria can evolve into every living thing we see today. Although no one has ever seen a dog produce a cat. The Bible says they bring forth after their kind.

I have heard many theories that try to account for the creation we see (Ort clouds, magnetic reversals, exc.). Just so you understand that a theory is just that, a theory. It does not become part of the fact column until you can test and demonstrate and prove it. That's science. You can have any theory you want, but it's not science until you prove it. Evolution is a theory. It's a religion. You have to believe that it happened because there's no scientic evidence. Evolution only occurs in one place, in the minds of lustful men.

Evolution is the foundation for Satan's new world order. An order that has woman as the head of man and Satan as the head of woman.

God's way is to bring life to the woman through the man.

Genesis Chapter 2, And the Lord God took one of Adam's ribs and made he a woman and brought her unto the man.

Satan's way is to bring death to the man through the woman.

Genesis Chapter 3, And Eve gave to her husband and he did eat.

There are only two kinds of relationships in this world. Godly, where man is the head of the woman and Christ is the head of the man; and ungodly, where woman is the head of the man and the antichrist is the head of the woman.

To love a woman, a man must submit his sexuality to Christ. To love, a man must have his heart circumcised by the Word of God.

Genesis 17.10

This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

This is every man's cross. He may not do whatever he pleases with his flesh. This is the real reason for the evolution theory; To pervert the relationship between man and woman. Scoffers, walking after their own lusts. Evolution says there is no God (scoff). There are no rules of engagement (lust).

You see, before a man can defile his neighbor he has to get rid of God. But then you have to answer the big question. Where did we come from? Then the fairy tale starts. Billions of years ago........

Jesus knew this would happen. That's why when they asked him about adultery he spoke of creation.

Matthew 19.4-9

And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,

And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?

Jesus said that the creation of Adam and Eve was the beginning.

But its what he said next that drives the evolution theory.

And for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh. The Bible says marriage is honorable in all and the bed undefiled but adulterers and whoremongers God will judge. The scoffers don't like being told what to do with their flesh.

So when was this beginning? The Bible says Adam lived an hundred and thirty years and begat Seth. Seth lived an hundred and five years and begat Enos. Enos lived ninety years and begat Cainan. And so forth. If you add up the dates in the Bible your going to get roughly four thousand years to birth of Christ. That means according to the Bible the earth is six thousand years old because Jesus said the creation of Adam was the beginning. That means if you can prove the earth is millions of years old you can discredit the scriptures. Then you can do what you want with your flesh.

Evolution takes the bricks out of the briefcase. It's a ridiculous lie of course but it is very attractive to man because there is no cross to bear. But love is at the cross. A man loves a woman through sacrifice.

Ephesians 5.25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Evolution is a very dangerous theory because at it's core is lust. And lust is extremely destructive. They introduced evolution into public school in 1960. Within five years every ill of society skyrocketed. Teen suicide, rape, abortion, murder, incest, drug abuse all went through the roof. They called it "free love." You see lust doesn't care about anything but itself. The scoffers don't care how many kids get sacrificed or who gets murdered. Lust only cares about one thing - self satisfaction.

This is it. We're coming down the home stretch. We've now got a religion that's a billion people strong that is nothing more than a walk in the flesh. You can have one, two, three, or four wives and if that isn't enough, 15 minute marriages are permitted (on the side). Where do I sign up? And if anyone's got a problem with it you just declare Jihad on them. Violence. Where do the wars of the world come from, is it not from your lust?

Do not be deceived as Eve was. Satan wants man to put the gift (woman) ahead of the giver (God). To value the creation more than the Creator. Original sin. This is how death came into the world.

I realize some of you may be offended. The truth is sometimes a hard thing to hear. But I want each of you to have a good life. The truth is one of the most loving things anyone can show you. Love and truth, they go hand and hand.

Oh, dinosaurs -- big lizards that lived before the flood. Everything was bigger before the flood and lived a lot longer. Reptiles never stop growing.

Job 40.15-21

Behold now behemoth, which I made with thee........

He moveth his tail like a cedar (that's not an elephant).........

He is the chief of the ways of God........

He lieth under the shady trees, in the covert of the reed, and fens (the swamp).

The truth is dinosaurs have always lived with man. They didn't live 75 million years ago, there is no 75 million years ago. There are literally thousands of scientific factors that limit the age of the earth to less than 30 thousand years. Here's a couple to think about. The spin of the earth is slowing down. Which means in the past it was spinning faster. The moon is moving farther from the earth. In the past it was closer. The sun is burning and its diameter is shrinking. It was bigger. The earth is cooling and its electomagnetic field is shrinking, in the past 100 years the electomagnetic field has shrunk 15%. In the past it was stronger. If you go back 6 thousand years this is not a problem. At the time of Adam the day would have been 20 minutes shorter. The tide would have been a little bigger. The sun would be a little closer and the electromagnetic field would be quite a bit stronger but not enough to cause any problems. But if you go back 75 million years then we got a problem. At the rate the moon is leaving it would have been hovering over the earth's surface 2 million years ago. The earth would be spinning so fast that each day would last roughly 2 seconds. The winds would blow at thousands of miles per hour from the correolis effect. Actually the earth would have been burned up by the sun 2 million years ago. Do I have to go on. Like I said I could list thousands of limiting factors for the age of the earth. Someone could say that the rate hasn't always been the same or that the moon vasilates between certain parameters, therefore never causing a problem. Of course this would all be speculation, theory, not science, and like I said they would have to do this for thousands of limiting factors. At some point it would be a gargantuan violation of reason and logic to believe the earth could ever be more than 30 thousand years old. Why didn't they teach you that in school? Because those that have taken over the public school system want you to believe there is no God. The head of their organization is Satan. They are lying to our children and destroying their faith right now and the affects on society will be catastophic. You see science, not ridiculous, untestable theories, but science proves beyond any reasonable doubt that the earth is not very old. Why is this important? Because there is only one book that will tell you this. It's called the Bible and its right on the money in every way. The Bible says the creation waxes old as doth a garment. It was not created to last 75 million years. How could the author know that? If it didn't come from God who's the author? That leaves a bunch of old guys in the Middle East who lived from 4000 to 2000 years ago. Have you ever read this book? There's no way. Anyone who's ever read The King James Bible knows that there's no way a bunch of old guys wrote this over a 2000 year span. I wouldn't even know where to begin to explain the complexity of that book. The further you dig the more you find, it is literally an endless source of knowledge and wisdom that can speak to any man on what seems to be infinite levels. It's a slam dunk. It's a no brainer. But if you want to go on believing that the old guys put it together you just go right ahead and enjoy yourself. You're deluded. Insane really and according to the Word of God condemned.

John 3.36

He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.

You better make sure it was some old guys and not you who are crazy. The only people who don't believe are the people who have never read the Bible. Funny isn't it, faith cometh be hearing and hearing by the Word of God. The ability to believe it is in the Word itself and these people can't figure out how anyone could believe it. The truth is once you're exposed to it you can't not believe it. These people have never seeked and they can't understand why they haven't found. And why? Well were right back to where we started. The flesh. Man's flesh wants nothing to do with God. God is a spirit and those that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth. This world is full of uncircumcised men who walk after the flesh and not after the spirit. And ladies they cannot love you. It's not love and the sooner you come to grips with it the better because it is the love of the man for the woman that is the foundation of their relationship. God is love and those that love choose to live God's way.

Ladies know this, the only thing a man really values is his sexuality. That's why God put his mark in the flesh of man's penis. He is saying, those that will walk with me, those that will make a covenant with me must submit their sexuality to me. Every man child amoung you shall be circumcised. When a man submits his sexuality he has submitted his life. When a man makes this sacrifice he builds great value in the woman. He has paid a great price. He has paid the price required to love her and this love will be a well spring of life. God's way is to bring life to the woman through the man. And this life comes from Jesus. Every man child amoung you shall be circumcised. I don't care what a man says or does if he does not make this covenant he is not building his life on Christ and you have been deceived if you think he loves you or you can build a life with him. Everything that's not founded on Christ is coming down and it's fall shall be great. Why do you think there's so much adultery in the world? If a man can't be faithful with you before you are married why would you think he can be faithful without you after you are married?

Guys don't fight it, embrace it. God is not asking you to do something you are not capable of. You were created to sacrifice, you can do it! You can do all things through Christ who will strengthen you if you ask Him. Here's the truth, love requires a sacrifice. One of the parties must make a sacrifice to start the love affair. That's just the way it is. Somebodies got to go first. God didn't give women this intense need for sex. It's not a sacrifice for them (WHAT?!?). Every man child. God gave man a penis in part so you would have something to sacrifice. The sacrifice needed to start the love affair is in your flesh. It's why man is the head of the woman. They are called to love first with a sacrifice of their flesh, this sacrifice gives them the right of headship. It's the only way you will ever be head of a woman. Why in the world would a woman submit to a man? There's only one reason. Because he loves her and gave himself for her. If you want to be in authority you must be under authority. Every man child amoung you shall be circimcised. You will not gain authority through pleasure but sacrifice. You must use your heart not your penis. If you are overcome by a woman's sexuality she will become your head. Whatsoever a man is overcome by the same is he brought into submission to. It is a reversal of God's order. It's not about the apple but the order. Eve ate first but there was no sin in this world until Adam ate. Adam was the head and he knew the score. The Bible says Adam was the one in transgression because he was not deceived.

When God showed up after the fall he went looking for Adam. To paraphrase, Adam said I'm not running the place anymore, Eve is. So God went to Eve and said what's going on? Eve said the serpent beguiled me. In Genesis chapter 3 we see the perversion of God's order as He goes from Adam to Eve to Satan. We also have the Bible's first prophesy as God tells Satan I'll be sending my boy to get this back. We also a picture of modern relationships. And guys you will be held responsible. If you deceive a woman into thinking it is love when you know it is lust. You see Eve didn't know, it was Adam's job to protect her and he didn't do it. Women do not know, they will never know what it's like have a penis. To carry that cross. To know the sacrifice a man is required to make. They don't understand male lust and the lengths men go to to satisfy it. They really believe evolution is about science. Because they don't know they can be deceived. Women were not created to be deceived but to be loved. Men know deep down that they have to make a sacrifice if they are to love but many choose to deceive women instead. Men you will be the one in transgression, the fall of your family and society will be in your hands because you have the inside information.

Every man child amoung you shall be circumcised. Now quit making up silly theories that get rid of God and do what you were created to do. Bring the life you were created to bring. It's up to you guys.

For the truth about dinosaurs and scientific reasons for the longevity of man pre flood go to drdino.com

Truthfully,

Joe Eilefson

One more thing, on the seventh day God rested. There remaineth a rest for the Lord's people. You mighty men of valor will not always have to fight.

Revelation 3.21

To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

Q.E.D.