dear men at vera's cafe

Ahoy there, sailors! I had coffee at Vera's this morning and you looked at my wife and I like we had burned Cher at the stake. What up wit dat? All we did was show up not gay!

The guys behind the counter were awesome and made us an excellent latte. I think they get it; it's about being nice to people. But back to you, the patrons, who will never ever get this letter.

I don't have anything more against your personal choices than that the sky is blue. Sure, you're by and large a bunch of socially retarded, anus-worshipping nimrods, but that's your business. You want to go some place where you can have a nice cup of coffee and not be thrown broken bottles at, and I think all people are entitled to that. I wouldn't try to keep you down! I just want some coffee too! Remember how we're all trying to get along? Or is that just when you're the ones being mistreated? Talk about tolerance all you want, but it's all hot air. Like the hot air that comes out of a butthole. That's right, I said butthole. Does that word excite you? Don't say I never did you a favor. Jackasses.

Maybe none of you could accomplish the AMAZINGLY easy task of hooking up with another gay dude ON A FRIDAY NIGHT IN MINNEAPOLIS and that's why you were all up so early in such a catty mood.

Not to abandon the constructive approach. The t-shirts that you can buy at Vera's otherwise not wholly distasteful emporium read "Hot. Strong. Filled with cream.", and do not perturb me in the least, though I do wish you could persuade the management to draw attention to some cultural contribution homosexuals have made (say, petitioning and marching for equal civil rights) rather than advertising the fact that you have semen in places that other men do not, and that this is ostensibly something to celebrate. News flash! That's not hip, dudes. It's just really, really nasty.

So buck up! Wipe that spooge out of your asshole! Turn a new leaf! Once you start acting nicer we can all have a cup of coffee together. Thanks!

randy and the cartoon

Dear Dale,

What's cookin?

Sent the following to The Illini Daily (chicago university newspaper) because it's now fired editor in chief reprinted the, you know, Muhammed cartoon. If your blog is dealing with such things, you can dump this in it.

Kudos to Acton H. Gordon.

The following little op-ed has at least one very important reference in it that should be set squarely in the lime-light: the info on the Arabic Newspapers and Iconoclasm. Read it to find out more. If you want to reprint (with edits) the following, please feel free.

I've been following the "Cartoon Drama" since it began. And while I find that if the intentions of the artists who drew the cartoons did so as a litmus test of democratic ideals in Arabic-speaking countries, then it joins the (thousands ?) of artistic renderings, novels, poems, cartoons, sculptures, open-mic competitions, songs, plays, etc., that have also satired, parodied or otherwise made fun of any and all gods from any and all credos, religions, manifestos, and late-night thespian clubs during the last 2,000 years or more (did people burn down the buildings of the publishers of Salman Rushdies' novels? (Why not?).

George Orwell's "1984" should stand as a reminder of what we don't want to become.

Most Islamic people seem to base their "profound and soul-shattering repugnance" on the false claim that depictions of Muhammed are forbidden by the Koran. They ought go look at some of the articles from the Arabic International News and get a history lesson. Iconoclastic Christianity and Islam met some 1,500 years ago and merged certain aspects of their religions. One of these was the (right/wrong) depiction of god. In any case, the interpretation as to iconoclasm in Arabia is an open one, as Muslims daily walk past depictions of Yahweh and Jesus with sometimes less than a shrug.

Self-victimization starts to become a crying wolf game when you've got the resources to educate yourself and mature without your parent's permission. If I must base my decisions upon whether or not I will be punished by a person who is acting according to their self-proclaimed status as an arm of god, then I'd do better to live in a military-dictatorship. At least the military doesn't over-react like a child who has spilled its milk.

If Islamic people are so offended at the images, why are they looking at them? They would also be offended by pornographic images, no doubt. So, why aren't they looking at pornographic images and staging violent protest about that?

The publication of the cartoons is more than a litmus test for democratic ideals of freedom of speech, it demonstrates that intellectually, emotionally and especially in terms of the separation of church and state, the West is more tolerant and open and progressive: and aren't these values all the bibles promote? Is the West therefore less God-fearing and more human-respecting in its practice of "God's" "general message"?

As the Age of Enlightenment never dawned in the Arab world or the Far East, much of the daily behavioral actions and life concepts in these two regions of the world are simply Medieval. Are we now witnessing the dawn of enlightenment in the Arab world? The separation of church and state is what helped Medieval Europe cease its internal struggles and killing. Perhaps Islam and the Islamic world would better itself by looking into the history and formation of Democracy - its causes and as we know its still-progressing growth, evolution and tolerance.

If Islam wants to be on the world stage and be recognized, then how does it want to be recognized? As a violent, tantrum-throwing child? As a wanna-be Napoleon? Have some self-respect. I'm tired of my news-coverage getting high-jacked by what are apparently uneducated crowds of "religion is my opiate" dummies burning things. Go take a poo in someone else's kitchen. Get a life. Do something kind. Smile. Make a joke (don't be one) and give someone the gift of laughter.

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Thank you, sir, for your thoughtful and comprehensive take on the danish cartoon story. It's the best example of what's wrong with religion I've ever seen personally, though I've heard great things about the children's crusade.

My blog has taken the tack of a deflected sort of interest. I find it's a lot more accessible when we go at things detached-ly. The royal we. We have to work on our temper, which tends to get the best of us and winds up sounding fairly whiny.

My wife and I are going to go to Acapulco in a couple of days to see that ball of fire in the sky we've been hearing so much about. 35 below today with chill, 18 below without. Remember the good old days? I started my car today and it was like "wANHW.. wANWH.. wANWH, BANG Bangbagnbang....". I cheered a little.

As far as the danish cartoon goes, it makes me ponder the way of humor more than anything. I think all civilized people are with you in the neighborhood of a hundred per cent with the notion of "grow up, shitheads", and it elevates some very important corollaries, principally, what is the advantage of having a stinky, dogmatic group of people around, but our (mediated, anyway) dialogue tends to sense that and stop well short of the (useful) mark. Sad. Blogs help, but we aren't home yet.

You may have heard, we have our own crazies here. Their fervor was (re)born well after a secular sense of humor was already the social norm; that must be why the "Jesus" people haven't blown up my house yet.

I am interested in why they didn't blow up Rushdie's publisher. That's a good point and one we ought to be able to figure out. I think it's that the way information travels has changed. Even twenty years ago or whatever it was, nobody in Islam world was going to read that book. It wasn't going to be around, even, to irritate. But what I think met in this case, and it bothers me a little that my explanation is so boringly simple, was the ease of transmission and the simplicity of the visual statement. This collided with a hegemony that our religious leaders only drool at. They wish they had the control Muslim clerics do, and there's nothing stopping them.

We do have our fatwahs, but they're called other things. Our Muslim clerics are the apocalypse-worshipping authors like Tim Lahaye, and the immortal mega-cultists of the shiny western american arena-churches. They make me puke.

I was wondering about Jack Welch the other day. Is he going to be the first sociopathic CEO to achieve actual immortality? Because there's going to be one sooner or later. I think they'll shoot stem cells into his wrinkled ass as long as he wants them to.

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I leave you with this cautionary info (in case you visit B.K. in Alcapulco):

The Iconoclasts of the eighth century and their successors during the Reformation were like the Taliban or rioting Muslims of the 21st. Except that that older violence occurred within a religion, inspired by theology. Today's Iconoclasts want to oppose all attempts to display forbidden images, whatever their provenance. And for a variety of reasons, many in the West readily defer. Last fall, for example, Burger King withdrew its ice cream from restaurants in Britain after receiving complaints from Muslims that the swirling illustration on the package resembled the name of Allah.

[if you didn't know, he's talking about this:Burger King recalls 'sacrilegious' desserts]

colorado guy

http://www.stevegarufi.com/ is the home of Colorado guy. It is where he posts exciting things that happen to him, like seeing parrots in a pet store. It annoyed me so I sent him an email.

Subject: your website sucks

Dear Steve,

Just because something happens to you doesn't make it interesting.

However, it is exactly what I'd expect from a person who, like yourself, is in a state of total amazement at the super-powerful feelings he gets whenever he thinks about Jesus. You guys make me laugh because your own experience is obviously the center of your attention, not the actual guy named Jesus. And if there has ever been a person in love with himself and his own unique way of experiencing the world, that person, Steve, is you.

You saw parrots? You drank how many big gulps in a row? Are you shitting me? There are people starving to death, Steve! You bought women's glasses at Wal-Mart? No one cares! What is wrong with you?

Do you think Jesus would prefer you making animated .gifs of your wacky reactions to goddamn everything, or taking some action to make the world a better place? Not a better place for you, Steve, but for other people. You are without a doubt the most self-centered person I have ever seen, and after looking at thousands of websites over the last three years, I consider myself an authority.

You're even worse than biker fox, and I thought that was impossible.

Psh,
Dale Shipley
http://doublefleea.blogspot.com
Minneapolis, MN